As much as I like to believe I’m an early adapter to rapid technological advancements, I recently watched the powers-that-be hang up the Space shuttle’s jersey for good (sex scandal to follow), and I couldn’t help but feel old. I mean I was there to watch two shuttles explode (I didn’t say they were wrong in retiring the old girl, just that it makes me feel old), and with the passing of the famous shuttle many people believe so goes our government-funded space exploration.
And nobody really cares.
Are we so distracted with the new that we’ve already forgotten about the old? I hate being that person the complains about “the good old days,” ’cause, frankly the here and now is pretty awesome. I just think there are some things that should be preserved. For example:
There is an entire generation that will never know what it’s like to play video games with the constant threat of molestation looming over them. If contemporary gamers believe today’s batch bosses are challenging, try defeating them while a drug deal goes bad right behind them.
TV Shows with Vehicles as the Stars
If your show didn’t star a car, helicopter, or motorcycle, well then it better have had a midget or a monkey ’cause you wouldn’t last the season. Television audiences are so sophisticated now you can’t get away with a fire ball shooting out of a tail pipe or any of the popular NASCAR tropes. That being said, who doesn’t think that the house Targaryen wouldn’t be a bit more awesome with a talking truck that could jump a building?
I do realize Muppet technology is very common place for everyone now, but when I was a kid we thought Jim Henson made a pact with the devil. Just watching Kermit’s legs on a bike in Central Park was equal parts shit pants scary/awesome. Then we’d change the channel and a talking car would jump though a plate glass window reminding us not to worry the apocalypse isn’t around the corner.
Kids in Wells and the TV Movies that Spawned Them
When I was a kid it seemed that children were getting stuck in wells all the time. Every week there was a passionate TV movie about it, starring Meredith Baxter Bernie. They were always called “Help, My Kid’s in a Well,” “The Kid Down the Drain” or “Kids. Drains, What Ya’h Gonna Do?” — something like that. Long gone are wells, now replaced by wifi. Maybe that could be our new mass hysteria: “Help, My Kid Found RedTube” or something like that.
Action Figures Commercials
Nothing beats action figure commercials from 20 years ago. OMG! Those set designers made those toys look so amazing. A typical commercial would have a kid driving the Cobra Hiss tank along a miniature jungle river bed and the Joes would rappel down from a mountain, trapping Cobra in a tiny makeshift bamboo jail cell! Then you’d get the toy home and of course it could never live up to same hype on your mother’s credenza, I’m shocked more kids weren’t on anti-depressants in the 80’s. Kids in 2012 have the luxury of having their imaginations destroyed with movie adaptations of anything that requires them to use it, so unlike my contemporaries, their tiny hearts will never know what it feels like when doves cry.
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