Eggos on the Side

60 Minute Drama, Network NBC/CBS/ABC

An alcoholic robot couple live out their everyday humdrum lives, while trying to cope with a troubled teen who’s desperately navigating through his most formidable years as an unpopular high school toaster. (The son will be played by a toaster.)

Gay Force 3001

60 Minute Action, Network Spike TV

The year is 3001 and the United States government has charged a group of extremely flamboyantly homosexual mercenaries to hunt down and destroy closeted Republican senators who try to pass anti gay legislature. Their weapon of choice? Using soul crushing gossip and deadly air finger snaps.

Old People Rapping

Clip show, Network MTV 

Who doesn’t like old people rapping? You find that person and report them to the proper authorities, ’cause clearly they are stupid!

Is It Money or Is It Dog Shit?

60 Minute Game show, Network FOX or CBS

Another one of my successful game shows. Families compete for prizes by sticking their hands in shoe boxes and finding out if it’s money or dog shit. Theres also math involved I just haven’t figured that part out yet.

My Cousin Caligula

22 minute sitcom, network NBC, CBS, ABC

Henry has a cousin, and his name is Caligula, the Roman emperor. When Caligula comes to town Henry insists his cousin stays with him for the remainder of his trip. Little does Henry know about the wackiness in store for him when Caligula’s horse stops by for a visit.

Vajazzled Time Station

22 minute kid show, Network PBS

All aboard this delightful kids’ show, which takes place in a magical world where trains can talk and vaginas get bedazzled.

Bear Punching

Movie of the week, Network OWN

That’s it. That’s the show.

Discovery networks Science Vs. Religion

60 minute Docu-drama, Network Discovery

Imagine for a moment that Evolution was kickboxer, and Grand Design was a Jujitsu master, and we made them fight to the death to find out which theory is valid. Well, that’s what Science Vs. Religion is all about. Finally we’ll get the answers man has been craving for since the beginning of time…complete with rakes to the eyes, hair pulling and chair shots.

Extreme Home Makeover; Dictator Edition

60 Minute reality show, Network ABC family

Ty Pennington and his hilarious band of selfless home builders go to popular dictators’ homes and renovate them. For example, Burma’s General Than Shwe might want a solarium to get away from his noisy child army, or Zimbabwe’s Robert Mugabe would absolutely love an adjoining entertainment room/prison so he can watch Shrek with whichever individual he’s locked up that week for having the gall to oppose him in the Zimbabwe national elections.

I’m going to be doing a lot of anti- Valentines day shows (Apparently I’m against love in all it’s forms)

Here is a show I will be doing in Sudbury next week at 8pm.

Well that show has been sold out, however there is now a second show. So get your tickets. Sudbury nerds represent!

You can check out my full schedule and all my appearances on my site.

I recently came to the sad realization that Fonzie is a douche bag. It’s sad because I wanted to be just like Fonzie! He rode a motorcycle, had a leather jacket — he even had offices in the woman’s washroom! I bet the tampon dispenser was used as a fax machine on many an occasion.

If Fonzie were real, however, we would have never gotten along. Why is he always hitting jukeboxes to make them play? Maybe some of us enjoy sitting in a diner with only our depression and a cheeseburger to keep us company.  Come to think of it, a lot of my heroes from 80’s TV shows were typical douche bags that I would never hang out with:

Micheal Knight
Simon and Simon
BJ (Possibly the bear)
Jan Micheal Vincent from Airwolf
Buck Rogers
Steve Austin
The Highwayman
All of 21 Jump Street
The Equalizer
The Dukes of Hazzard
The Fall Guy
Jake and the Fatman
MAJOR DAD! (that one hurts… Well, not really)

So who am I left to hang with? McGuyver, Desiging Women, and that kid from Small Wonder? (Although I think the Small Wonder kid is still up for debate.) As I write this I do realize how odd it is that I relate (or not relate) to certain ‘types’ of people. I’ve always liked to think of myself as an open minded, but that’s not true, is it? I’m not a big fan of the douche bag type. For some reason I can’t understand how anyone could want to look like the assholes on Jersey Shore. Wasn’t that show supposed to be a warning to mankind that the apocalypse was soon upon us?

It’s that kind of thinking that makes me a “type.” Sure many would argue that defining yourself by what you don’t like can’t be healthy, and honestly I hate those people. Oh, and I’m sure my animosity for the douche bag is very vice versa. They probably stare at me like a confused Red Bull induced golden retriever because I own action figures, or when they see me reading “funny books.” Me who would rather watch “cartoons” than vomit on a side walk after a thrilling evening filled with attempted date rape and fist fights at an over crowded night club.

See I did it again!

I cling to this “outsiders” label like it still exists. Like it makes me better — but truth be told I’m just as mainstream as any dude in a tight Aeropostal T-shirt. Maybe more! Big Bang Theory is the hottest sitcom on TV. Kevin Smith is a self made man, and Wolverine works for Walt Disney.  Long gone are the fringe alternative labels of being Nerdy/Geeky. It’s cool to be a nerd. Which is hard to imagine, especially for people like me who grew up in neighborhoods where knowing more then one element on the periodic table, was reason enough to get rotten fruit pelted at your head. Forget a cure for cancer or discoveries that could benefit the human race, you best kept that knowledge shit to yourself, son!  If someone asked, “Did you just say aluminum has the Mass of 26.9815386?”  The proper response would be, “No no no, I said Zap from American Gladiators can kick that other guys ass 26.9815386 more times then Nitro.”

I’ve always always hated the idea off people trying to fit in because I never felt I did.  To me it’s easier to judge than to put effort into acting like something you’re not, just to belong. I was happy to be the “weirdo” — not out of any profound statement against the mainstream, but pure laziness. Now along with time and patience, that laziness has paid off; I’ve become a part of the status quo.

I understand this shift in status quo because I’ve watched a lot of TV over my illustrious life…of TV watching. TV has helped me to understand humanity’s desire to belong. People just want to fit in, even if fitting in means they become a demographic…and nobody does demographics better than TV. It’s the reason why I can play the game “Guess what network they watch?” when I’m in public. The idea for this game is simple. You see someone, and then you decide what network they most likely watch on a regular basis. If you get it right, you move on; if you get it wrong you take a hit off a meth pipe (there’s no meth). For example:

Single midget Mother = TLC.
Faux-hawk guy with a full illusionist look = Spike TV.
Scared old person coming out Church = Fox News

What fun!

The awesome thing is, no one is excluded from this game.  I’m just as much of an advertiser’s wet dream as a 12 year old upper middle class girl from a two income family (= Disney),  I’m just a touch more obscure. In network terms, I’m what would happen if PBS and the Cartoon Network ran a train on BET.  Like an episode of NOVA and Squid Billies picked up 106 & Park at sleazy bar, after finding each other on Craigslist.

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Every once in a while my wife tells me I’m not being romantic enough. That I need to be more spontaneous, and surprise her with flowers. So next time I’m going to jump out from behind a wall when she walks by and tag her in the uterus with a dozen long stems. Romantic enough for yah?

I’m fully aware I’m not romantic; everything I’ve learned about romance can be traced back to my father. He’s a blue collar guy, who grew up poor. So his idea of romance was paying the bills. Having food in the fridge and a working stove was pretty much panty remover back in his day.

At least I’m honest with my lack of creativity with regards to romance – my wife, however, not so much. She has a very clear idea of what romance is to her… and so does 90% of the female population on earth. Candles. Check. Flowers. Check. Romantic walk… Check. Throw in a bank heist and it’s basically the sub-plot of a Julia Roberts movie.

(If my wife is reading this entry, I have been kidnapped and I’m being forced to write this under duress.)

My wife’s ultimate romantic gesture involves the ending of the movie The Notebook, where the nurse from the old folks home finds old Ryan Gosling and the other chick (that was pure jealousy BTW) lying in bed together DEAD! This is romantic? This is what my wife wants for the both of us? What if she dies, and I’m still alive? Do you know how much paperwork she just put me though? Good cop bad cop interrogations,  people thinking I’m into necorphila, and I still don’t have tenure at Mrs. Florance’s school of higher cake decorating.  I am not jeopardizing that, thank you very much!

When did romance become a man’s sole responsibility? Why can’t my wife romance me? (Again if she’s reading this  I’ve been possessed by evil spirits). I’m not hard to figure out. All I need is some back issues of Brubaker’s Captain America, a cheese fountain and Batman the animated series box set, and you can do whatever you want to me. It’s called a nerd roofie.

We talk about the impossible expectations that are put on woman though pop culture, but what about men?  At the end of Superman 1 Lois Lane dies, so Superman flies around the earth, rotating its axis, causing all humanity to go backwards in time and saving the love of his life. He does this despite the commands of his father not to interfere with humanity… and to pick up milk and menthol cigarettes on his way home.   Thanks, Superman!  True, no woman is going to expect a man to rotate the earth’s axis, but subconsciously the message is there. It’s 1979 and how many  couples broke up in the parking lot right after that movie? Some poor shlep of man forgets to hold the car door open, and his girlfriend goes apocalypse on his A hole. “Why can’t you hold the door for me? Superman would hold the car door, in fact he flew around the earth rotating its axis to save Lois lane! Why can’t you be more like Superman?”

Seriously? I love you, but I think  If I was Superman, I could do a little bit better then a No Frills cashier. Let’s be honest here. I’m Superman!  I can see through walls, and deflect bullets, and you have a prepaid Money Mart Visa. Look ladies, if you want me to be a ‘Superman” when it comes to romance, then don’t look at me weird when I suggest firing kids into space. I’m just trying to get into character!

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Polishing the silverware, and forehead, with the same rag. Look out De Niro, this is MY Deer Hunter.

CobraCommander: @Silverface_Destro that was yours? My bad.

Five thousand people on the Terror dome,@CobraCommander still manages to eat all the pizza pockets from my fridge.

Taking a piss beside my #CobraHiss. All I need is some auto tune and this is totally a @TPain hit.

People would talk often about @Majorblood and until I met him I thought he was blacksplotation movie staring Rudy Ray Moore.

I sound black. I’m scottish, and my head is covered in silver. I’m more diverse then a food court in the Mall of America.

Took Baroness to the movie friends with benefits. She still hasn’t gotten the hint.

@CobraCommander has us all on a tight budget. I just saw them recycle a #B.A.T into an easy flow toilet.

F.Y.I: the idea for the terror dome came from a pillow fort @Tomax and I built during our weekly friday night slumber party #tickles&terror

Don’t get me wrong I still love being apart of @Cobra, but we never dish any more. What happen to us guys?

@Serpentor there’s a sale @OldNavy, and your project runway episode was months ago… Maybe it’s time to give the giant snake collar a rest?

Ok who ate the Kidney jerk pie I saved in the fridge?!!!

CobraCommander: @Sliverface_Destro You need to start marking your food, Bro.

A silver head means no one will see me cry. My Rotten tomatoes profile can’t capture the way I truly feel about the movie #Bringiton3D

Staring at the empty tray which was my Kindey Jerk pie can’t help but think of your theme music  @CobraCommander http://youtu.be/_UdXbMyo1rU

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My biggest problem with marriage currently is convincing my wife to build a blanket fort.  Every once in a while, on a Friday night,  I’m like “Hey let’s light some candles, put on some sensuous music, then push the couches together, throw some blankets on top so we can make love in our imaginary space capsule that’s been jettisoned from a Corellian cruiser.  We can climax before we hit Tatooine!” Sounds like a date to me.

Don’t get me wrong, my wife can be just as moronic as any one of us; I’m sure her Friday night would involve me lifting her above my head in a lake somewhere…

I believe a certain level of immaturity is important in every relationship. There is so much reality in our lives on a daily basis. Just trying to keep your head above water can be so daunting. It’s nice to know there is someone special out there who understands the importance of doing the robot dance whenever, and wherever, the Wu Tang Clan’s C.R.E.A.M comes on. Ikea As Is section, gawkers be damned!

Have you ever seen serious people in relationships?  Silently reading separate newspapers in restaurants or never saying a word in their cars during long bouts of traffic. Most wedding vows don’t involve murder-suicide pacts, but those people make me wonder. It’s sad to know there are couples out there who will never know the joy of sharing a horrible cockney accented duet of Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. It’s important to have Occasional Mental Midgetry (O.M.M) because it allows one to release pent up hostility or rage.

Don’t get me wrong, there still needs to be some semblance of a relationship. By no means do I think of my wife as my “best friend”… anymore.

I’ve grown to hate the term ‘Best friends’ when talking about my wife.  I can’t treat that woman like I treat my best friends. Best friends you can not talk to for months. and then when you do, you guys just play Marvel Vs. Capcom all night without  saying a word to each other, other than ‘booyah’ and ‘in yo face’ (Sadly all my friends are old) and no one is offended or upset. I do that to my wife, I’m being disrespectful (Although I would never lose at Marvel Vs. Capcom).

Also unlike my best friends, I am 100% myself around her. There are no masks. I’m completely relaxed and normal. Scratch that. I’m completely relaxed. Fine. I’m happy. What I’m trying to say is that it’s a very special thing to be completely sympatico with someone else’s thick-headedness. Whether we’re arguing over Connect Four, or having a lightsaber Kendo stick battle, the point is we aren’t acting on our murder-suicide pacts. And that, my friends, is real love.

I tour comedy, and post regularly. Follow me on twitter @GavinbStephens or join the Fanpage

OK, so the comedy tour is going great. I’ve finished a quarter of it, and now I find myself at the laugh shop in Edmonton, all weekend long.

Thursday November 17th @ 8pm

Friday November 18th @ 8pm

and Saturday November 19th @ 7:30 and 10pm

You can get all the info you need right here

and remember to friend me on Twitter @GavinbStephens join my fanpage and subscribe to the youtube channel.

For Episode 9  of Fortress of Baller-tude, I was asked by Teletoon Retro to list my top favorite  villains of all time.  Now, you can list yours @ Teletoon Retro for a chance to win an awesome villains prize pack including a trip for four to New York City. You can find all the info right here

Follow me on twitter @GavinbStephens and join my Fanpage for more updates.

One of the many tasks of being in a relationship is the dreaded couples night. Don’t get me wrong, my wife and I enjoy evenings with our friends, but every once in a while you have to spend time with two people that leave you fearing a world overrun by douche bags and their larvae. Recently both my wife and I made dream lists of couples we would love to spend an evening with.  Putting both our dream couples together, I’ve run some simulations and graded them on how each night would turn out:

Me: Batman and Robin

Wife: Kurt Cobain and Courtney Love

How the evening would fare:

First off, whatever wine Batman brings to dinner, you know it will be expensive and hard to pronounce. My favorite flavor!  Not that Kurt and Courtney would be interested in the vintage. I believe after some stimulating conversation, which will include a urine test for Courtney courtesy of Batman and explaining the importance of the album “Nevermind” had on music in the 90’s to Robin (which would eveitably lead to explaining Saved by the Bell as well), the evening would  wind down only after my wife consoled Kurt during his epiphany that an entire generation of humans only know him as the guy who ate the shot gun to bring us those Rock Band games. Being the control freak that he was, Batman would notice how I was poorly washing the dishes, and then proceed to compare it to how his parents were murdered in an alley, finally allowing him take over my chore in a fit of rage. Meanwhile in the upstairs bathroom a traumatized Robin would be forced to hold Courtney’s hair as she bowed to the porcelain god while telling him “If you were only a few years older…”.

Grade- B

Wife: Roman Polanski  and Sharon Tate

Gavin: Wolverine and Kitty Pryde.

How the evening would fare:

This would make a horrible evening. Who is going to have better stories than Kitty Pryde and Wolverine? How about a child molesting director and his murdered bride! Do you see the problem? No matter what we say, my wife and I have become  the “boring couple” in this scenario.  Wolverine and Kitty Pryde are all, “Remember the time we had to face off against the Shiar Empire in an unknown sector of the galaxy?” Then Roman Polanski and Sharon Tate jump in: “That’s interesting; as an international director, I’ve been nominated for several Oscars and my wife here was an amazing actor in her own right who was part of one the most infamous murders of all time!”… Me: “We just bought a new Futon.” My wife: “It’s not that new. It’s more newish.”

Grade- D

Wife:  Pierre and Margaret Trudeau

Gavin: Han Solo and Princess Leia.

How the evening would fare:

The only problem my wife and I could have during this dinner date would be deciding who’s the power couple. Sure we don’t own a ship that can do the Kessel run in less than 12 parsecs, nor have either one of us partied with the Rolling Stones, but we bring the best of both worlds. I like immigrants and have a hairy best friend, and my wife has smuggled Cookie Crisps into the country via my luggage, and has been known to leave holographic messages for old mysterious hermits in our toaster.  Do your worst, couples night.

Grade- A+

Wife: Frida Kahlo and Diego Riviera.

Gavin: Kermit and Miss Piggy

How the evening would fare:

Wow, the dysfunction would be rife this night. Rife with dysfunction, I say! Between the pig karate chopping the frog and one painter cheating on the other, the few spats my wife and I would have over charades would seem tame in comparison. 7 syllables. Sounds like… we’re the cutest couple tonight!

Grade- C

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